heavy, heavy
two things to carry us through
hello dear reader,
lately grief has been sitting heavy on me. weighing down my bones, slowing down my movement, dimming the light. its hard to be with it and not shut it down; grief gets in the way of everything else. but maybe its meant to. maybe grief is powerful because it demands to be felt, not dismissed. maybe grief is the messenger, and listening to them rather than fighting is the medicine.
inhale, exhale. breathe, feel.
there is so much to grieve and rage about right now. how can a body hold all this?some days it swallows me whole. some days its an ocean with no land in sight.
and still. i breathe. i feel. i write. i lay on the dirt. i stay.
today i wanted to share two things with you that are keeping me afloat in times like these. because i dont know if things are going to get better any time soon; change toward liberation may take a minute.
the first is the reminder that leaning into community is the antidote for despair. its the light in the darkness. its the hope of spring in the depth of winter. how are you gathering with your people right now? are there ways to deepen and expand? what community spaces might feel deeply nourishing to gather with right now? how can you conspire with others to make it happen?
whether in person or online, being with our people, talking about how things are feeling, healing those hurts, and dreaming of the just world we are working toward is essential. gather with your people. join online community spaces or start having potlucks with your neighbors. whatever your version is, great. but don’t let grief, rage, despair, or the looming shadow of the state that pretends to be all powerful even though it isnt keep you apart.
we are in this together, and together is exactly how we will make it through to the other side.
the other piece i wanted to share is something that supports me when i start to flounder. and its something i have talked about here many times before. its finding your role in the wider ecosystem of change.
what is the work that is yours to do in your lifetime? what skills, capacities, passions do you have that you can bring to movements for justice and healing? what gifts, large or small, can you offer your neighbors, your coworkers, your beloveds? this week, this month, this season?
each of us has a part to play. and finding ours (though this may shift over time!) can be a really supportive rudder in the storm. an anchor point to come back to. what is your role? what do you need to learn or what skills do u need to cultivate to show up, keep showing up, be of service? maybe there are things to learn this year to help you show up as you are called to; what are those things? maybe theres healing to do to be able to show up as you want to - what is that work?
we each can’t do everything; of course not, thats not how a forest works. but we each can do something, and knowing our place can be so grounding when the violence keeps piling up higher and higher and its hard to see the sky around it. we can return to our work, our vocation, our hobbies, however we bring ourselves, to the community work of being alive together on the planet where care flows in all directions.
we are in this together, and together is exactly how we will make it through to the other side.
Below you will find a poem that is holding me right now, as well as some community offers from me and other lovely practitioners who may be holding spaces to support you right now. they might offer resource to deepen community networks, help you on your personal path of healing, or contribute to your finding your role to be of service to the ecoystem in this moment.
May the communities you deepen into this season bring us all closer to justice and healing.
HEAVY
by Mary Oliver
That time
I thought I could not
go any closer to grief
without dying
I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had his hand in this,
as well as friends.
Still, I was bent,
and my laughter,
as the poet said,
was nowhere to be found.
Then said my friend Daniel,
(brave even among lions),
“It’s not the weight you carry
but how you carry it–
books, bricks, grief–
it’s all in the way
you embrace it, balance it, carry it
when you cannot, and would not,
put it down.”
So I went practicing.
Have you noticed?
Have you heard
the laughter
that comes, now and again,
out of my startled mouth?
How I linger
to admire, admire, admire
the things of this world
that are kind, and maybe
also troubled –
roses in the wind,
the sea geese on the steep waves,
a love
to which there is no reply.
SPRING QUEERCARE COMMUNITY OFFERS
now enrolling! we begin together soon, hope you can join us.
COME TOGETHER: a long covid support group - join Max (anyway we can herbs) and I in an 8-week online support group for folks living with long covid. expect weekly info shares, mutual support, and a community of folks of shared experience. We meet on Tuesdays from 2-4pm ET beginning in March. Sliding scale prices as always. More info and sign up here: Come Together: a long covid support group. You arent in this alone.
DELVING THE DEPTHS: a communion of writing & plant kin exploring our stories of suicidality - This is an online writing group & community exploration into the wise knowings and stories of suicidality in our bodies. What happens when we remove internalized stigma, open to the wisdom of poison plants and begin to get curious and listen? Delving the Depths will run March - April 2026. Early registration is open! All the details here: Delving the Depths
FURTHER AHEAD: SUMMERTIME MAGIC
THE PLANTS OF OUR PEOPLE: the next cohort of TPoP will run this warm season, beginning in May. In TPoP we reweave cultural and ancestral herbalisms through research and creative practice, in service to unsettling traditional western herbalism and remembering our lineages before whiteness. Over the course of four months, you will be supported in your own project exploring these themes, with lots of guidance and community accountability. Its nerdy, creative, fun and so so meaningful. Be a part of the work of reweaving anticolonial herbalisms! Discounted early registration will open for waitlist folks in March, head here for more info and sign up to hear first: The Plants of our People
TAKING OUR HERBAL T: Ember and I are dreaming into what the next iteration of our trans herbalism research offer might look like. Something like last years? Something different? Stay tuned! We are excited to share the community zine from our first year with community soon, so keep an eye out for that. And if you are interested in being a part of future versions of this community project, you can sign up over on the waitlist here to hear first: Taking Our Herbal T
OFFERS FROM OTHER PRACTITIONERS
so many amazing things offered by inspiring practitioners. this is just a small glimpse!
Grief Studies with Fariha Roisin. Meets Sundays for three hours from March - April 2026, online. I love her work! More info here:
Freely: an anticapitalist guide to pricing your work from Bear Hebert. $50-0 sliding scale. Self paced and recorded. More info here: https://www.bearcoaches.com/freely
AutophytoPHILLY: The Powers and Limits of Gender Affirming Herbs. Local Philly folks, learn about trans herbalism with Ayelet of Doll Herbalism. Feb 19, 2026 at 6pm. more info and register at: tinyurl.com/autophytophilly
Building Power on Purpose: four days of in person somatics practice with B and Ream of the Center for Aliveness and Liberation. March 5-8, 2026 in Oakland, CA. More info here: www.TinyUrl.com/buildingpower26
Herbal Harm Reduction: online prerecorded course from the Herbalist at Large. Optional live office hours calls this spring; begins March 1 More info here: https://classes.herbalist-at-large.xyz/doku.php?id=availableclasses:herbalharmredux
Martine School for Holistic Herbalism: Intermediate program is now open for enrollment. Study online or in person with Ember Peters and Oren Hercz. More details here: https://www.maritimeherbschool.com/intermediate
Holistic Abortion’s School of Reproductive Autonomy. 9 month online program runs from March - December. Learning this info seems ever more important!Learn more here: https://www.holisticabortions.com/school-reproductive-autonomy
Thank you for reading and being in connection with me. i deeply believe that through connection and deeply interwoven community, we are building the world to come.
with you for total liberation,
rowan
to support my work at of hawthorn and yew, consider becoming a paid subscriber. as a thank you, paid subscribers receive access to the home/body digital zine library, where new zines are added as they emerge and are downloadable to keep. thank you, thank you for this support! it means the world to me.
work with me & stay connected
the cauldron of politicized ancestral reclamation work: ofhawthornandyew.com
join us in community over at of hawthorn and yew for offerings on politicized ancestral reconnection, Celtic Isles diasporic work, and online programming on reweaving cultural herbalisms here on n america. together we connect to our european-descended ancestors, reweave culture lost from assimiliation into whiteness, and embody our values more deeply.
queercare herbalism & somatics practice for 1:1 and small group healing: wildalivenessapothecary.com
seeking community queercare? I see clients 1:1 as well as offer small group programs on herbalism & somatics through my healing practice, wild aliveness apothecary
email to connect: ofhawthornandyew@protonmail.com